Let's Go, Jane!

Like most little girls in the United States, I was raised on stories of Happily Ever After and ‘Til death do us part. I “married” a classmate in 2nd grade in a pinafore dress with a handpicked bouquet of flowers. 

There’s an old black-and-white photograph of me in a wedding dress when I was 6 or 7 years old. My sister and I found the dress at a yard sale, and we begged our mother to buy it for our costume chest (it did not occur to me at the time to wonder about the bride whose dress ended up at a yard sale!). It quickly became a favorite for dress-up play, and we staged many mock weddings. 

In short, I have always loved fairytale romances, rom coms, and storybook endings. I met my ex-husband on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, a chance encounter that seemed so fated that it couldn’t possibly end in anything but one of our deaths. We kept that belief going for 20 years, and when it ended, we learned a hard and unromantic truth. Marriage is actually about money. 

There is nothing less romantic than getting divorced. We worked with a mediator, and spent far more time talking about assets and alimony than we did about custody and co-parenting. The process laid bare the fact that marriage is at its core a financial arrangement. One that originates as a strategic alliance between families, not a love match. 

The man I’m dating now is 47 and has never been married. He’s been in at least two long-term relationships, where commitment was demonstrated by having a child in one case, and buying a house together in the other. 

As we were approaching the one-year mark in our relationship, we had a theoretical discussion about marriage. I had suspected, and was able to confirm, that it’s not on the table for us. Not because he’s opposed to getting married, but because he sees marriage as a vow you make to God, and I’m an avowed atheist. 

It took me a little time to process this idea. To deprogram my belief that any viable long-term committed relationship must end in marriage. Otherwise, what’s to keep us together when we grow old and the wheels start falling off? But the reality is, marriage is not binding or permanent. There’s nothing stopping a spouse from walking away in sickness or poverty. If recent memory serves, I should know that better than most. 

I have come to realize that commitment, like consent, must be enthusiastic and ongoing. After all, which relationship is stronger – one in which the parties opt-in every single day, or one that rests on a promise made long ago and assumed to still be true? 

As I embrace this new approach to love, my boyfriend is the perfect partner. I have love and companionship, but I also feel completely free to explore life’s possibilities. I am both anchored and unfettered. While I can envision a future together, I can also see a future without him. I am the constant. It is up to me to find my own happiness and wholeness.